December 24th...
This is oficially my first Christmas alone. Not only am I clear across the United States, celebrating the holidays farther away from my family than I have ever been, but I'm even farther away from my husband. When looking at Christmas from a distance it's easy to say "Oh, it won't be that big of a deal to spend it just me and the kids this year, we will have a better "Christmas" when this deployment is over next month." But before you know it, Christmas is staring you in the face and all you can really focus on are the things you really don't want to do by yourself. This is our first year where we can explain to Cael about Santa and have a lot of fun, and it feels like Derrick got cheated out of it. I was really excited to set up the tree tonight, but as soon as I did I started crying. I can't pinpoint why, exactly, it just didn't feel right. It felt to small and undone, and it wasn't because of the amount of presents or how full the stockings were, it was because I felt completely alone. Tomorrow morning I will take pictures and videos...but I know it won't be the same for him, it just doesn't seem fair.
And I know, I know, who am I to mope on Christmas Eve? There are a lot of people out there with a lot less. I have two beautiful children and a husband who would walk through fire for me, and I do not take that for granted one bit. I'm just a little sad...that's ok to admit right? Even on Christmas?
It is TOTALLY alright to mope and be sad. I do have to admit, my family kept me busy through out the day. But that night...I cried, and cried, and cried because Thomas wasn't there. And the entire next day I stayed in that funk. (I felt bad because it was my mother's birthday and she knew I was 'not okay')
ReplyDeleteWe, wives, are allowed to have those moments. Noone else will ever understand what we go through with our husbands gone for an entire year.
I love you and I think you are an amazingly strong woman! I give you huge props for what you're doing!! :)